Thoughts over Priorities

Had a talk with Ain on how disturbing life has been for the past month. The month of August no doubt has been one of the toughest month for me to handle. From work to relationships either with friends or family or guys and just.... Me, being a girl with needs. It hits me bad when she mentioned that I'm prolly just one of theirs and never a priority to them as i'm just....... Me.

So let's say I am the type of person who's willing to do anything (and literally, anything) whenever it comes to my closest ones. Yes, I have to admit that sometimes they're not my priorities but at the end of the day, they will still be considered as the "precious  people" in my life that I'd never want to lose.  But whenever it comes to me, I'm always (and literally, always) an option or maybe they just think I'm just someone who's so simple who doesn't about care about any other things as I'm just so..... Simple. Well, to a certain extent, it's quite true. But sometimes, I do want to feel the things that other people get just to be reminded that I'm remembered or I'm special or I'm one of their "precious people" or I'm worth spending for or I deserve these or just you know..... the "She's a really great person to have around and I'm thankful for her presence"

I know I may not be the nicest person they ever have as yes, I can be quite hateful at times but when it comes to you guys, I don't think I ever missed out anything to ever make you feel touched? I don't ask for much, I just ask for some accompaniment over drinks or simple dinner or simple hangout to make me feel like I belong but I doubt so. I stand nowhere, I guess.

Maybe it's true, I can never be a priority even if it's their least/ last priority.

Respect

Maybe I did crossed the line by not respecting your decision, but you should know. To be respected, you must first respect other people. Now tell me, have I ever receive that from you? You've been using me and I've not been complaining. In fact, I have been willing to do every single thing for you. I might hate doing it, but I still do it because I'm still under you. But I guess, that's not enough?

Mess

A million things going through my mind but I can't seem to find the perfect word to describe my life right now. Perhaps the closest word would be "mess"

People might think I'm just exaggerating but I doubt so. I mean afterall, everyone has their own sets of problems. Just that for me, I prefer letting it out since I hate keeping things to myself. What's the point of keeping your feelings to yourself only to find out that, at the end of the day you're burdened by it? Worse, you bottle things up and when you finally cannot keep it in anymore, you just have a mental breakdown. Won't that affect the other party badly? Or even, just indirecting one's mistake which might (possibly) hurt you in hopes that he realizes it?

Nonetheless, despite all the things that has been happening around me, I am glad I still have certain people I can confide to and of cos, being able to experience another year of Ramadhan. Would be a perfect month if only baba was still around. But it's fine since you're at a better place. Insya'allah, amin.

Favorite Place

Everytime I pass by the places we've been together, I can't help but to smile widely based on all the happy memories we've shared together. I don't know why but it seems rather difficult for me to move on with time when from the beginning, there's no relationship between us. Maybe it's because I got too comfortable with you for the past months when you were around and that's why it's that difficult to let go of everything. From breakfasts, jogging, fetching, sending, hanging-out, late night texts and phone calls, i miss all of it. Best one would definitely be when you'd wait with me knowing that I hate being alone. Oh who am I kidding. Best one would obviously be all the memories with you since you're in it. Dear S, I know you're happy and I should be happy for you. But it's really tough to just watch you by the side pretending to be happy when deep down it hurts so bad. What hurts even more is that you've changed so much within the short period of time and it seems like I was never a part of your life. I wish you know how much your presence affects my life cos right now, everything seem so out of place without you in it.

Summer Rain @ Seoul, Korea

So the pictures pretty sums up my 14 days of summer trip (090613-240613) with my seniors (Rafidah, Raihan & Nadhira) over at Seoul, Korea. It's prolly one of my longest trip away from home but it was still a great one based on the awesome company, beautiful scenery, unique food & home-like comfort.

Gotta admit, had a rather tough time at first adjusting to the environment there due to culture shock but after maybe 5 days or so, I managed to get used to the Koreans way of living. Would definitely visit this country again but next time, a different city or perhaps a different season.

Best highlight of the trip was definitely Nanta, The Wedding Show. An experience to be able to watch a short comedy skit in Korean language (and a lil bit of english) and trust me, it was worth both the money and time. Non-stop laughter and not forgetting.... Charming-looking Korean guys that's worth drooling at for hours! ^^

Thank You seniors, for the memorable trip :*

Dear S

I was complacent when everything seemed too good to be perfect. I reminded myself that the happiness I felt at that point of time was just temporary. And as expected, I failed to remember it. I have no one else to blame but myself. Dear S, knowing you was perhaps the best thing that happened to me but allowing you to be a part of it, is one of the biggest mistake in my life. Even facing, bumping, talking and hearing about you seems to be a chore but I know I can get through this phase. Maybe not so soon, but time heals everything, right? So, as I watched your back when you're making your way away from me, I knew that it's the end of everything. I sincerely hope you're happy. Well, at least, be genuinely happy with her.

3 years, 6 sems, 36 months

So.... 3 years went by pretty fast and as far I realized, it's already Graduation Day! Am pretty glad I didn't skip this event (like how I usually would) & managed to spend this day together with some of the people whom once create a memorable experience for me in RP. For that, this blog post is dedicated to them :)

The girls I knew before entering RP, Maria, Hanna & Shirin

Year 1, Dillon, Wahidah, Dina & Elna

 

Year 2.1, Rabbani, Sabrina, Errika & Seth

Year 2.2, Nadiah & Denard

The girls during my IIP period, Suhaira & Aishah

& of course there are many others whom have played a part in creating wonderful memories throughout my journey in RP but sadly, time isn't on our side.

Nonetheless, the 3 years spent in RP was worthwhile in a way that I managed to learn a lot (though I can assure you I wouldn't wanna be of any relations to events in the future) & make new friends.

Lastly, the mother & first brother for taking time-off to see me graduate.

Without the constant motivation & reminder that I should not be skipping school & concentrate on my studies, I wouldn't even be able to graduate within 3 years. HEH. I know it'll so much better if dad's here with us & he'd be the happiest to see one of his dreams for me coming true, but knowing that I always have ya'll by my side is honestly more than enough to remind me of his presence.

So let's do it the RP way......

Graduate Oh! ^^

What Define "Us"

I feel extremely happy whenever you're around. The fact that I can totally be myself around you, I can push aside all the rules I've set for myself and make some exceptions in my life makes me feel that all the little sacrifices are worth it. In fact, I don't seem to bother if I'm gonna get hurt so bad in the future just cos the present's too perfect. I like how all the silly memories we have together can make me smile from ear to ear every moment now and then. I enjoy us spending time together even if sometimes there's nothing else to do or talk about. I love how comfortable I can be around you but I do hate the fact that whatever this is, it's impossible. Well..... I mean that's life. Sometimes, even if you like the person, that doesn't necessarily means you have to be with that person. You can still be happy if you're not together, and that define us :)

365 days, I Miss You

Been a year since you're gone. I can still vividly remember how the entire scenario was like. It was tough for us to absorb the news and it took us quite some time to believe the news, but we had to pull out all our guts and strength just to overcome it.

I don't know how I managed to overcome the past year without you. Seems to me like I've been avoiding home just to avoid any lingering thoughts that might end up making me cry. Well, it actually did help since I've been occupying myself with work, work and work.

I feel really guilty that I've not been able to prove to myself that I can be the person/ daughter/ girl you've always wanted me to become. I know how much wrong I've did for the past year which might upsets you if you're still around. However, I've also did some reflection. I..... miss you.

I realized that you've always been the one there for me. The one fetching me, sending me, asking me whether I'm fine, finding me at certain places just to ensure I'm fine, pampering me, taking care of me, ensuring my safety...... everything. I'm sorry it took me so long to acknowledge the sacrifices you've made for me back then. I guess I was and am still a stubborn girl. I miss you so bad that I don't even wanna be home as it reminds me too much of you. The stairs, the room, the kitchen, the living room..... everywhere. I wish I can just say "let's move out" but I know deep down, I don't really want to since it's the only thing that can remind me of your presence.

Dear baba, no one knows how much I miss you since I've always been the one putting up the strong act. Everyone thinks I am just that cold-hearted girl which can't seem to feel anything, they're wrong. I feel so lost without you guiding and disciplining me. I feel that a part of me just died since you're the only one I know I can rely on in this family even though we might not seem that close. I just wish I was given more time to appreciate your presence and seek forgiveness from you again and again just so I really know you've forgiven me for all the wrongs.

I don't know whether what I am doing now might make you proud because all I know is that, I am just living my life by following the flow. But hopefully one day, I will make you proud.

For now, I'll start with something you've always wanted me to do which is to pass my driving, enter the university and continue playing music.

I love you.

6 months with PA

Been a week since I officially end my IIP with People's Association. No doubt, one of the best experience and of cos, I wouldn't be able to survive the 6 months without my friends presence. From events, to OT, to sleepovers, to lunch/ dinner and outings, I'm glad to say we actually finally did it. Seems like the time took forever during our IIP period but when it's finally over, everything seem so surreal. Best part about it? All of us are a little too free now.

So here's a little dedication to all the RP interns of the same company with me :)

Dearest Kana, we may not be in the same department but I'm so glad that despite the number of days we meet each other in a week, we're still pretty close with each other. The best memory with you is definitely when we sit by the pool at midnight and just talk about our life.

Dearest Geak, no amount of words can actually express how contented I am to know you. It's an irony that we knew each other from the school trip to HK (we're even on the same team) but we only know of each other existence during IIP period. Will definitely miss the late night supper with each other and our inside jokes. The best memory is of cos when you cried just cos I stormed out of the office. HAHAHA. Ah Teng why you so cute?!

Dearest Pei Qi, I think you're one of the nicest person I ever met (really hor, not kidding!) Still remember when we first got to know each other and it was only the first week of IIP whereby I broke down and you were there, it was really really awkward! HAHA. But I'm sure you know that since you pretty much know whenever I am awkward. I think without you, I can never avoid any awkward situations since you're probably the only who'd help me but in a way still make fun of me.

Dearest Suhaira, I was/am very happy when I got to know we're in the same company and department for IIP. You're probably one of the best pillar of strength I have since you're one of the rare good friends whom have stood by me throughout any obstacles  I encounter. Thank you so much for enduring me whenever I am having my moodswings and understanding how I think to advise me in certain situations.

Dearest Aishah, I am sure you know what I thought about you since I "confessed" to you during one of our supper days but I am glad my perception of you changed. Even though I might still feel awkward around you (especially when we're taking pictures together, HAHAHA), you're definitely someone anyone can depend on. Will definitely miss your horrible jokes which somehow can make everyone laugh.

And with that, I conclude that IIP and school is finally over for us. See you all during graduation (or earlier)

<3 br="">

Food for Thought

I've always believed that one shouldn't just judge a person by the way he tells his life stories or how he portray himself to be. There's just so much more to a person than what it seems to be like on the surface. Yes, this applied even if the audience is actually close the person. No matter how close you are to the person, you will never be able to feel the pain and understand what the person is going through. It's actually as simple as that. And if the person judge you just by hearing your stories and chose to think that you're still very shallow or narrow-minded or anything negative, than it just proves that he's not worthy to be your friend or even part of your life. Well, for my case that is as I am honestly just so sick and tired of people telling me that I am always the one at fault. Try being in my place for a day, I can assure you. You can never go a day without complaining about anything (ok this is a bit exaggerating). Not that I'm saying I hate my life or anything along the line, but I am just so sick and tired of trying to be perfect even though I know no one is.

So my past few weeks was filled with joyous occasions. From the second brother's graduation to the MDP/SYMO performance and of course, the returning of my existence in the CBTL scene.

Well, the performance wasn't the best performance i ever had with the team but i'm glad that at least, it happened. It's better than having no performance at all and of cos, the main highlight for this performance was the new songs we get to play. Such a pity that my best partner in crime, Nora didn't have the time to perform with us. It would have been perfect and definitely, much more enjoyable!

The brother finally had his "mini" graduation from i-don't-know-what thing and the only thing i enjoyed about this occasion was the fact that I had the opportunity to dress up. Not everyday I can dress up especially when all I ever do is to work, work and work.

But the brother being annoying had to go "why are you wearing make-up?" Was totally shocked by his question because as far as I can remember, I am forever wearing make-up when I'm out. Not unless I'm out to grab a quick bite or lepak nearby. So I concluded that he's rarely paying attention to my life and likewise for me about his life (:

 

Lastly, back to the CBTL scene! But this time...... It's a new outlet for me! New environment, new team and brand new challenges. So where is it? None other than LPK! Have always stick to the "I'm either gonna work at LPK or PWP" since 3 years back, so where else would i transfer to right? Plus, LPK is pretty near to my IIP place and I can come in at 7 on Fridays +++ sponsored cab ride home. So why not right? (:

I am really happy to be in this team as they are all welcoming and cheerful people. Maybe it's partly because I know them beforehand but all is good and the working condition there is not as tiring when compared to working at PWP so i won't really mind if i have to work everyday. The gpod thing is of course, maybe I can be attached to PWP if they're in need of staffs so it's a win-win situation.

Why am I working back in CBTL when my IIP pay is quite high and it's already taking most of my time? Well, keep on reading in the next few posts then!

Despite being busy either with work or band, a short meet-up with the girls seems to be the perfect "getaway" for me. Met the girls last Tuesday over dinner at Thong Seng followed by dessert at Tom's Palette. It has been more than a year since all of us actually meet-up together as a group and this event was definitely an eye-opener for me. Despite how long we've not met each other, the bond between us remains the same.
And even though the meet-up lasted for less than 3hours, we managed to update each other with the "what's going on in your life" kind of thing and not forgetting, laughing at how "bimbo" each of us can be.

Aini, Hanna & Melia; will always be my non-judging girls :)

So what have I been busy with? Non other than attachment of cos. This week highlight? PAssion Walk!

All the interns had to be in costumes and at the same time, promoting to the public about Chingay + informing them they're allowed to try the pasts Chingays costumes for only 2bucks. On top of that, they can have the pictures taken by a professional photographer and bring those pictures home! That's way too good for the public to miss out! Sadly, due to the rain, the response received wasn't that overwhelming but hey! On the bright side, everyone had fun and we ended our day by having Domino's personal pan pizza, 2 for 6bucks! Cheap cheap thrills!

And yes, a new hair cut for me! :)

Once you lose someone important to you, losing someone as important will be tougher to handle. Well, that's what I personally felt like after today's incident.

Upon receiving a call from the brother about mum's condition, my heart sank. I was too shocked that only tears started rolling down my cheeks. Many different scenarios were wandering around my mind, and trust me, none of those scenarios were positive. I realized that after losing dad, I can only think of the negative. Maybe it's because I still cannot live up to the fact that he's not here with us anymore and also cos he's been gone for less than a year that I am still not over it. Whatever the reason is, the word "death", "hospital", "accident", "gone" or anything related to them, scares me, a lot.

However, I am "glad" in a way that I am not the only one who reacted in that manner. Upon texting the other brother, he had the exact same reaction as me. Maybe it's also because as compared to the other brother, we spent lesser time with her when compared to the time he spent with her. Or maybe also because we're still "young" and thus, unable to appreciate her as much as he appreciate her or also maybe just cos he's already a father and would understand what adults would feel.

Well, whenever it comes to showing any care related emotions to the people that matters most to me, I actually suck at it. I can't put that "brave" or "strong" or "ego" aura of mine whenever I have to show that I actually do care. I may act or show all the cold and cool and can't be bothered attitude, but deep down I am so thankful to all the positive outcomes and also, able to appreciate her/ everyone around me more.

Maybe this is what "blessing in disguise" really meant. Appreciating one's existence whenever something bad happens. I for one am thankful that everything's fine and am given another opportunity to change the past :)

Don't you just hate it whenever people (especially those whom you think knows you/ close to you) thinks differently of you? Like who you are is not who they think you are.

This week was prolly one of the worst week of all. It's filled with negative remarks about myself from people all around me. And I got no clue as to why I am so affected by it. Maybe it's because of all the obstacles that I've been through that made me feel so vulnerable for the past few weeks of my life (I got to admit, it's eversince IIP started!)

Well firstly, it started as to how "prestigious" my life is. I have NO clue where that thought of theirs came from. I know I am definitely not living such life and i know that the money i earn/ receive is definitely not enough for me to live a prestigious life. Upon hearing those remarks coming from a certain someone, I was too affected by it that I began reflecting on how I've been my "prestigious" life. Does taking cab from one place to another, buying clothes from Dorothy Perkins, New Look, Mango and etc, craving for sweet desserts like milkshake from make shake or Starbucks and eating but not finishing my food = leading a prestigious life? If it is, then prolly half of the world is leading one and that would lead to almost no poor people in this world! I mean how can such remarks be hurled at without thinking of the other party's feelings?! Worse, i work for my own expenses (stated above) and i am not lazy to go out and find more work just to earn that extra cash for myself. Is that so wrong?!

Next, when a person made a plan with you, stick to it! Don't just change the plan just because a "better" plan came along. You might have 1001 excuses for you to accept the "better" plan but the "excuse" is actually pretty obvious. Even a moron could have noticed the "excuse"

Last, please don't go around complaining that you have no friends to hang out with or have no courage to ask your friends out. Simply proves that you're guilty. Guilty of pushing them away (for some other better people) which eventually, the other better people ditch you. Karma's a bitch right? You bet it is. Exactly how old are we that we're allowed to act like we're 10?!

This is just one of those angsty post of mine to just let everything out for the past few days. It's been too damn long since this kinda posts existed in this blog.

Till next time, a better and solid post.

Spending time with her will always be one of the top priority of mine whenever I have the free time. Gotta admit that I can never find another friend whom is as patient and understanding as her in my poly life. Well, my poly life kinda just ended excluding the remaining IIP months. Thank you for all the wise words and being there to listen to me whenever I need someone (':

Don't you just hates it when someone misinterpret you? I mean people can go all "I don't judge you" for all I care, but we all know that everyone judge. Even if they don't say it out load, they judge silently in their head. I gotta admit, I hate it whenever people judge me wrongly. Wait, who doesn't? And it is so especially true if those people put words into your mouth. Who actually gave them the rights to alter the facts? And yes, as much I seem like a strong person, I do get hurt. In fact, I get hurt easily.

I get hurt by people not talking to me, people judging me wrongly, people not caring about my work or my feelings, people not acknowledging my existence or efforts. Basically......almost everything and anything can hurt me. So I guess I'm not that strong afterall, huh?

This is really a redundant post. I want to let out what I feel and twitter/FB is really the worse place to do so. So why not blog it out?

Oh and, I really hate the fact that anyone can replace my place, anywhere.

The favorite CBTL girls surprised me for my 19th at Scape, Playstation. It's definitely something different from what we usually would do whenever we meet up, Shisha. As much as I am not a huge fan of birthdays, I am really glad the girls took the time off their busy schedule just to plan this. And even though the surprise wasn't really a surprise for me (trust me, it's really not easy to surprise me), it's the though that counts. Will never trade these girls for anything else in the world. We laugh, we cry, we smile and we did silly things together, the memories shared with them, simply priceless. Love you girls!