on 11th March 2012, i lost my father.

there's no exact words to express what i'm currently feeling right now as everything happened too fast.

there i was, enjoying my night having dinner with my work mates when i received a text from the brother saying dad was having difficulty waking up. unknowingly, we made our way to visit him but when the uncle called us to inform us the news, we're a little too late.

at that point of time while the brothers are crying their hearts out, i stood there in the car, like a lost girl figuring out how i should react to the news.

"should i cry? are they lying to me? it can't be true, it's too sudden, i must be dreaming right?" those were the exact thoughts of mine.

the very next day, only when i saw him being carried into the house, i cried profusely. it wasn't a dream, it's real. never in my life have i expected myself to be in this situation at this age. there's just so much to do and say to him. but i guess, there's no point being regretful as it's part and parcel of life.


dear baba,

thank you for all the sacrifices you've made for me and also the family.

i may not show you how much i appreciate all those sacrifices you made and i may not portray to be the daughter you've always wanted but i hope you know deep down, i've always loved you no matter what.

ever since i was young, you've always been the one taking care of me. you sent me to school, you fetched me from school, you taught me how to be independent, you taught me my school stuffs, you buy me all the latest stuffs that i want, you enjoy listening to me whenever i read to you/play you the keyboard and horn, you search for me when i lost my way and of course, many more.

i promise, i'll succeed in the things you've always wanted me to and make you proud.

may Allah place you among the people he loved. Amin.

it hurts so bad when you're willing to do anything for a person that you care about so much but he/she is not willing to do the same.

Chingay 2012

signed up for Chingay 2012 together with Suhaira, hoping for the best for our future since it's related to the course we're taking now.

am glad i actually took part in this event even though i only had to ensure that the group report safely and on time either for the opening or the finale. yes, the job scope of the role seems pretty easy but it's rather challenging especially if the group members refuse to listen to the instructions given by you and they love taking their own sweet time.

nonetheless, i learn to appreciate the arts more with the existence of this event as it manages to open up my view of the different cultures in the world.

and thank you, Suhaira for tolerating me throughout the 3 days (:

A guy once told me 'the same type of people hang out together'

Well, I think he only said that to make me feel better. This is because I compared myself with my other close girlfriends, whom all happened to be very pretty. Get my point? I definitely do not agree with his phrase.

I used to think like that too, until he said that same phrase to me. The thought of being pretty or am pretty have never cross my mind. In other words, I do not feel like I am pretty. Simple reason, whenever I am out with my other girl friends, guys would naturally look at them, approach them, talk to them, or if the guys know me, they'd approach me for the girls personal details. So how can those signals ever make me feel like I'm actually one of them?

I'm beginning to sound like as if I'm jealous or petty or desperate, but I'm just typing my thoughts down. Like I mentioned in my previous post, really have no one to confide too. And I'm pretty sure I am not the only girl who thinks this way. Plus, not everyone will actually be there for you and I don't wish to burden them with my pointless thoughts.

But seriously, guys who'd say 'I don't go for looks' should just shut their mouth cos obviously the only reason that attracts the guy to the girl is their looks. Well, vice versa. Except that girls tend to fall for their close friend (someone they're comfortable with) and afterwards, do not care about how the guys look like. Whereas for guys, looks still matter to them even though they're falling for their ugly close friend, just to keep up to their so called 'reputation' that was built among his other friends.

Life? Yea, definitely something to ponder about.

It's very depressing (well i can't seem to find a better word to express my feelings) when majority of your close friends are all happily attached and seem to be moving on with life, while you're here still searching for your source of happiness. Or let's just say, a partner.

It sucks when you want to confide in someone but then realized, you have no one to turn to. Well yea, you have your family members and all, but some things are just not meant to be shared with them. Then, while you're alone in a corner, telling yourself it's going to be fine, you came upon pages of your friends updating their facebook status, path updates and tweeting about how happy their life is. That sense of jealousy can't be helped but to think that perhaps, it's time for you to look around too.

No, i am not trying to say i am in a need of having a partner or desperately searching for one, but what i meant is sometimes, you gotta agree, you need to have that someone just like everybody else to keep your day going, so that you have that energy to carve a smile on your face no matter how upset you are.

but then again, that's how life rolls. it's pretty unfair, all you got to do, is just wait for the perfect timing for all the perfect scenario to take place.

so guess what happened to the girl you all thought will never go out alone?

well, she changed. yes i am serious.

i learn quite a number of life lesson last year and i'm putting them in place this year. one of it is to be able to go anywhere alone (yes, by myself) and i am really so proud of myself for doing that today (:

2012.

a brand new year, a brand new me?

well, i guess that's what everyone will say to themselves every year. they'll change for the better, but at the end of the year, only minority of them fulfilled their new year resolutions. it's a little too late for me to state down mine and also talk about it. but in general, i really hope i'll change my attitude in terms of going school more frequently and also not coming into class.

and i'm pretty psyched on what this year is going to bring to me! because well, i finally move on (yes, after 2 years or so?) from something i know will never ever happen. however, i'm pretty glad i can smile like how i used to just like back then with someone's presence ^^

let's all just hope for the best (: